Craving / Avoiding

There’s a pattern I’m starting to see.

Wanting something…
and pushing it away at the same time.

Closeness.
Connection.
Love.

Crave it.

Then when it shows up…
something tightens.

Pull back.
Create space.
Find a reason.

Or just… disappear a little.

It doesn’t feel like fear in the moment.

Feels like control.

Like I’m protecting something.

But from what?

That question stuck with me.

Maybe it started early.

Learning that closeness wasn’t always safe.
That vulnerability came with risk.
That needing someone could cost you something.

So you adapt.

Stay self-reliant.
Stay in control.
Don’t get too close.

And it works…

until it doesn’t.

Because part of me still wants it.

The real thing.

Not surface level.
Not casual.
Not transactional.

Something deeper.

But when it gets real…

it feels like too much.

Too fast.
Too exposed.

Even if it’s healthy.

Especially if it’s healthy.

That’s the part that doesn’t make sense.

You’d think safe would feel… safe.

But it doesn’t.

Not right away.

It feels unfamiliar.

And unfamiliar feels like danger.

So the instinct is to retreat.

Create distance.
Slow it down.
Regain control.

But I’m starting to see it.

That push and pull.

That pattern.

And if I can see it…

I can change it.

Not overnight.

Not perfectly.

But intentionally.

Learning to stay.
Even when it feels uncomfortable.
Even when the instinct is to pull back.

Maybe that’s what rebuilding looks like too.

Not just becoming stronger…

but becoming available.